As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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