dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
