So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
