Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
