I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
