someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
