he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
