I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
