Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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