My liver just broke up with me...
My hand turned me down
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
