so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
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How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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