my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Someone shattered a urinal.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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