i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
