3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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