that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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