I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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