Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
