Four minutes until I can fart!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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