everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
