Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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