I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
