i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
