Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
