She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
