I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
