I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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