Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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