He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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