my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
