if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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