somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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