Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
