Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
