he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
