I puked a lego.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
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Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
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I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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