We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My life is pants optional.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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