A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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