When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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