OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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