so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i've created a new STD.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
