Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
