when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
