Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
