which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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