i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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