im drinking this country out of the recession.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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