I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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