We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
