i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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