NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
