Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
