I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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