I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
