stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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