I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
