Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
