I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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