he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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