trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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