the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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